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Nov. 22nd, 2008

roses

No Subject

There's something going on. I'm never truly happy. What is happiness to me? Everyone says all you need is love, but that's not cutting it for me. When my lover plays Rockband in the other room and all I can think of are the victims of Rwanda and poverty. All I can think about is starting my real life instead of waiting year by year, diploma by degree to start what the world thinks is my real life. My real life isn't behind a desk or a paycheck. It's not behind reputation. It's behind my happiness. I haven't found my happiness, thus I haven't found my real life.

My neighbor died today. My best friend's father died a few weeks ago. My other best friend's father died a year ago. My Godmother died a year ago. My mother died three months ago. To me they were people, to others they were statistics and autopsies. To most they were nonexistent. How does one cope with such a change? One day you're talking to them on the phone. The next second you realize you'll never get to see their smile or hear their voice say "I love you." You'll never get that one last hug you beg and plead for in the middle of the night.

Instead you're stuck listening to your boyfriend playing Rockband in the other room. And it sickens me to no end.

Sorry if this is depressing some of you, but it's helping me a little to rant somewhere other than in my head. It helps to see my thoughts pixelated or down on paper.

That's all for now.

Nov. 14th, 2008

Sex in highschool

Bulk Ferret Cremation?

Yes, so my friend Brian is serious about making a band called Bulk Ferret Cremation. I know some of my friends would be terribly against the idea of naming a band after burning furry creatures, but hey, it makes him happy. He also wants one of the songs to be called 'Baby Skin Condoms.' If you find this as disturbing as I do please speak up and I'll know some decency is left in the world.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend! Hooray! I'm glad to be leaving Tallahassee in the midst of Homecoming week. I've dealt with enough Homecoming weeks in my lifetime. What's the point of them? Especially for a big college campus like FSU. NO ONE knows who the homecoming king or queen are. Who cares? Anyway, this wedding is for my boyfriend's dad's girlfriend's daughter. I don't know what to say to that.

Well this is it for me. Yes my life is pretty boring at the moment, ergo I don't write a lot or post frequently, but that will change soon...52 DAYS UNTIL LONDON!!

Oct. 23rd, 2008

roses

meh bleh...wa

Yeah, didn't keep up with the promise of updating every so often. I guess you could call six weeks every so often. But who am I kidding? I can never keep up something for too long until something else distracts me. I just finished my first legitimate short story. Pretty fucking fancy if you ask me. I'll post it once I remember how to add cut links (Carina if you're reading this please respond with a how-to tutorial!).

I have the worst midterm to date and I don't feel remotely close to prepared. I can't unclutter my mind. Damn cluster fucks! Bane of my existence. Now it's cold. My feet are numb. My brain is numb. brr.

What else? What else can one say about their redundant, monotonous life? London? yeah, I'll stick with that. I'm excited for London. 75 days if I'm correct. I'm not looking forward to cold, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

How is everyone else doing?

Sep. 11th, 2008

cello

What the...

Wow...I'm on again. Weird. This is the first I'm posting an entry since....May of 2007? Inconcieveable! No really. I was tired of the online posting and wanted to try my hand at journal writing once more. It went smoothly. At first. Then down hill as life continued to throw hard ball after hard ball. But, I'm here. In the flesh...or pixelated text.

Things have changed since May of 2007. I've gained new friends. Kept my old ones as close as possible. I have a boyfriend. The best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. He loves me. He genuinely loves me. And I love him back. I just want him to be happy. I find it funny that over a year ago I wanted my space and I wanted to be alone. There was contentment in it. Now I can't even sleep by myself for one night. He's changed me for the better. And I like it.

I'm also one parent short. That's not a nice way to say it. Maybe mom would've laughed at that. Come Friday It'll be a month. A whole month. Doesn't feel like a month. Feels like yesterday, but also an eternity ago. It's a day by day basis now. Some days I don't think much about it (like today) and others I go to call her on my phone and break down when I don't see her number in my contact's list (Saturday).
I can hear a tow truck outside Kevin's window. That's my boyfriend for anyone who didn't know that. Some poor bastard is having his car towed.

I think this is enough for one night. Don't want to overdue myself.

Buona notte principessa.

May. 21st, 2007

roses

There is a light and it's not a train

For the past graduation, I had been lamenting in my own mind about lonliness and truly starting fresh with my life, but after tonight I realized I'm not as alone as I thought. I may not hang out with most of my friends alot, but they are still my friends. I should focus on the positive aspects of life. Like...I'm breathing. That's always a good thing. And...I'm not naked in public. That would be harmful to my mental state and little children's eyes. yes, there are many little things I don't give thanks for. Like that refreshing drink of milk after eating cookies; or the rejuvinated feeling in my calves after a 2 hour walk. I have taken sunsets for granted and do not find awe and fear in wild fires. Let us all (collectively as a people) begin looking at the unnoticed sands that fill up the cracks of life.

But as she's getting ready to go
A knock comes on the door...
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Her Majesty is a pretty nice girl,
But she doesn't have alot to say.

Apr. 27th, 2007

Dalek iPod

WOOP WOOP

What exciting times! The orchestra trip to Miami was much better than I thought it would ever be! Chillin' with my daughter, hangin' with Sean at the Mall, having Tanya sit on my lap...good times! I sang to Kaci the last five minutes of the trip which fills me up with joy. I love that I can make her laugh like that. And Sean is actually a sweet guy who I can talk to without feeling weirded out. At least at present I feel this way. And I think I found my club buddy! Yes, Tanya and I hit it off and love each other's racous and rowdy personalities, so we have decided to hit the party scene together!

I will miss the good times provided by Cypress Lake, but I know many more adventures are to come in college!

Apr. 1st, 2007

Abstract Original

This is a very long entry

Prom was last night. That's all I have to say about that. Actually, the only thing I can really remember was being on the verge of tears when calling Jacob (who was in a drunken haze) and basically spilling my guts out to him. We both kept telling each other we missed one another. He kept telling me that I had no clue how happy he was that I was coming over and I had to keep telling him, "oh, I think I have an idea." He knew I wasn't having a good time and I basically confessed that it wouldn't be good unless he was there with me. Even now as I write this, I feel tears. So maybe I should stop.

Afterward, I went to the vacant lot. It was incredible! A few minutes into sitting around, changing into some normal clothes and listening to my iPod, I started feeling a bit lonely. So I went down the mental list of people I could call up. Carina: bowling with Amanda (and I feel like an outcast around her now); Patrick: I had already dropped off and wasn't feeling like seeing for the rest of the week; Danielle: at home asleep most likely; Jennifer: at home asleep as well; Kaci: with David, and I wasn't going to drag them to a vacant lot. Then my brain came to Sean's name and I thought for a bit. He didn't actually "bring" his date to Prom but met her there so he was alone. I had talked and danced with him that night and I'm feeling a hell of alot more comfortable around him. So I called him up and we talked and just chilled out in the night air for a good hour. He lent me his baggy hoody (which has thumb holes and I rightfully could tease him about that!) and he laid down on his sun visor. I still have the overly big hoody. It's very warm. And he kept me very entertained with mocking my music selection and just coming up with random comments. So as I have said before, after Prom was muy awesome!

Today has been pretty mellow and chilled. We took the birds to the avery and mom has been depressed all day. I couldn't handle seeing mom so upset and having to see my pets leave so abruptly so I watched 300 with Angie and Holly. Nothing cheers you up faster than 300 men ripped and dressed as if they're performing in Thunder from Down under.

Weird crazy dreamCollapse )

I leave for London Thursday night. I'm going home. :)

Mar. 22nd, 2007

Abstract Spiral

My dahling Dahlia

(untitled) Dedication to Kaci
If only I could tell you
In more poetic words
How much it means to me.
A kind word here,
Embraces that shake foundations
A joke and a smile
To illuminate my darkest hours.
You mean more to me
Than you probably will ever know
I joke with you about being my daughter
But in truth you are a sister
A friend filled with encouragement.
Only knowing undying love
And understanding of how to share it
Tears moisten my eyes
When I think of a future
With you so distant
Even a phone call away
Proves the thousand mile gap
But you are closer than you think
For in the cliché manner
You are in my heart *le sigh*
And touch my soul
With your omnipresence
And with this said, I love you
And will never forget you
Or what you have done for me.

There is so much to tell you in person that cannot be expressed through electronic means. Even the phone would do the expression justice.

Mar. 15th, 2007

roses

How To Be Successful in Business w/out Really Trying

I was going to rant about my man problem earlier today, but I have decided against it. Lie is too short to ramble on about useless bits of daily drama. I need to focus on the good stuff. Like my mom's new business idea. She's really been coming up with great ideas! I'm so happy for her. My dad supports her, she'll get plenty of financial backing and I just know the business will be a great success. The whole concept is incredible. A place for women to have their "me time"! Massages, work-out center, meditation/yoga/tai chi room, and she'll add on more as we think of it.

stupid idea for commercialCollapse )

This idea will turn into something very soon. I just know it!
Tags:

Mar. 13th, 2007

9th Doctor/Rose

Peace and Love

So it looks like I'll be scrapping my plans to go to Europe for three weeks. Pity. But, I'm giving it up for something much better ^^!

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